There are times when I feel distant from the Lord. Not because He has left me, but because I try to hide and run away from Him. Not because I am rebelling, but because I`m afraid He couldn`t accept me after  all I`ve done. 

 

Wait. I guess, it`s not that I doubt He`s able to love someone like me, but because I`m honestly rejecting myself and I think I am not lovable enough, that I am not worthy enough  and I don`t deserve to be loved.

 

I have a draft dated back November 2010, which I didn`t get to publish. I don`t remember why. But I remembered it last night when my sister Ava and I were having a good talk at midnight {we couldn`t sleep `cause there were no electricity since there was some maintenance going on}.  And I happened to tell her about Bidam.

 

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I always loved to share Bidam`s story. Ever watched the Korean Drama Queen Seon Deok? Well, if you haven`t, let me tell you about him.

Bidam was the super warrior kind of guy. He was Prime Minister but not so much like Prince Charming. He was somehow reckless, impulsive and  he does whatever comes to his mind. But if there`s one beautiful thing he was known for, it was that he loved Queen Seon Deok so passionately. He didn`t love her for her riches or anything else. He just loved her. And the Queen loved her back as well.

 

But Bidam had deep wounds in his heart which kept him from trusting her love. Perhaps because he had been hurt many times before. His mother left him when he was a baby so she would not lose power in a political position. Munno, the General who raised him, was always disappointed with him so Bidam tried to do everything just to gain his approval. He never knew what it means to be loved without conditions and always wanted to gain people`s approval and trust.

 

Near the end of the story, Bidam was set up by evil political leaders so Queen Seon Deok asked him to go move out of the palace for a while while she fixes the issues. But while on his way, Bidam was met by an officer  from the Queen`s palace who tried to kill him and said that it was at the command of the Queen.

 

Unknown to Bidam, it was only a plot set-up by a traitor friend who wanted him to revolt against the Queen so he (the friend) could gain power through Bidam. Sadly, Bidam, who had previous issues about trust, grabbed into the bait and revolted against the Queen.

 

In the end, Bidam learned about the plot and was so terribly devastated for what had happened. The guy who set him up told him that it was not anyone`s fault rather than his because until the very end, the queen trusted her so much. It was him who didn`t trust her. He always worried about losing her trust and in the end losing her love. But it was too late because the queen couldn`t save her anymore. He had chosen his destiny.

 

We are sometimes like Bidam.

God has been constantly loving us. But because we are afraid to trust we are depriving ourselves from the love that we are longing for.

 

God could offer His love constantly but unless allow ourselves to be loved, unless we allow ourselves to trust, and unless we give our life to the hands of the One who promises to give us life, we can never experience true, unconditional love.

 

Let God love you. Open your heart to Him. He promises to never to leave you. He wants to hold you in his arms. For you to be with him forever. He will keep you close forever. Yes, He promises to do that. And you know that none of His promises has failed.

 

It`s so sad to watch Queen Seon Deok end with Bidam dying. Everyone knows his worth. Everyone knows he`s deeply loved. If only He has learned to trust her love.

 

But we have the chance to hold in our hearts what Bidam have missed. Let`s open our eyes and believe. ;)

 

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So when I feel bad or when I feel unloved, I only think of Bidam and I remind myself that God loves me with a stubborn love that won`t let go. I just have to trust His love and believe.

 

When He says He loves me, He really loves me.

 

It`s the only thing that`s real.