Last night, I was reading a sample chapter of a Christian fiction novel  about a girl who`s a bit similar to me. I guess it`s not a secret anymore how I`ve been struggling about my dreams and about surrender. Sarah was just like that. She loved Dylan but she`s got dreams that if pursued would put him out of the picture. And she is confused.

 

The truth is, sometimes I think God doesn`t care about how I feel that`s why he denies me the things that I want.

 

But I was utterly wrong.

 

I was the one who was selfishly insisting my way all the time. I forgot that when I promised him my life, I also vowed that we will always be together and He will be intimately acquainted in everything I would do. That I would not be alone in decision making because He would be a part of every decision in my life . That we will have one heart and I won`t live for myself alone. I would now consider what He thinks and how he feels.

 

When I vowed to commit myself into an intimate relationship with Him, that meant I would have to consider if my dreams are a part of His. It sounds like marriage, actually. That His heart would be my heart. His plans would be my plans. How his heart beats should be how my heart would also beat. And I would have to submit and let Him lead, ALL OF THE TIME. Because He is my Lord and my God, and He loves me and cares for me.

 

And honestly, thinking about it now… I`ve never been that intimate as I should, as I have promised. I thought that intimacy with Him meant to follow orders, to listen to His commands so I would live a good life. I thought intimacy just meant praying, and singing and sitting on my desk reading the Bible every morning. Everything was *Me. Me. Me.* I forgot about how He feels. How He also longs for the love to be reciprocated.

 

I have forsaken my Love. I have forgotten my first love.

 

Here`s what opened my eyes last night.

 

 

---

“In His Arms”

Chapter 23

“It’s hard to be told you are part of someone’s dream when you were not part of building it. Back in college I thought we shared a dream, but you decided it was too risky, so you pursued another. And now
you expect to pick up exactly where you left us. It doesn’t always work that way, Sarah!” he shouted.

“But I thought we were happy?”

“We were!”

“Why can’t we go back to the way things were before
I left?” she pleaded.

“Because things are a whole lot different, and we’re
different.” He paused and lowered his voice, “Sarah, you
still cannot bear to become intimate with me. There is an
invisible barrier resisting me.  I am thrilled you’ve invited me back into your life and welcome me to be part of your future dream, but,
Sarah, I have dreams and expectations too. And before both
our dreams can become one, you need to allow yourself
to be loved.

---

 

”You need to allow yourself to be loved.”

 

That rung in my ears and stirred my heart.

 

I cannot surrender my dreams because I`m building a barrier between me and my God. How can you have the same heart if you are distant?

I cannot become so intimate with Him because I am not allowing myself to be loved! I am not letting “me” become a part of the relationship. I forgot that I was even  in a relationship! I am rejecting myself thinking I am unworthy even thought He doesn`t feel that way and because of that I am pushing Him away!

 

So today, I will allow God to love me. I will view myself as how He thinks of me. Not as how I look at myself.

 

And I am amazed how surrender comes easy. I am asking what His dreams are now. And I want to be a part of it. I want to join Him in it.

 

And for the first time in my life, my dreams faded away from the back of my mind. What I only care about is how to make Him happy. I want to join him. I am in it.

And we are together.

 

 

My lover spoke and said to me,
‘Arise, my darling,
my beautiful one, and come with me.’

(Song of Solomon 2:10).”

 

Photo Credits: chloefranch, star-twinkles

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