It’s not easy to forgive. Every girl who has been hurt knows that.

I remember a time I got hurt by a friend I had trusted so much. I didn't know it would hurt that bad when a friend leaves just like that, with no explanation at all. I wondered how a friend could just stop being your friend after everything. It was unbelievable--like a movie, only that it was happening in real life. And it's much more painful than I've ever imagined. I felt betrayed like arrows were speared at my heart when I was not looking, right at my most vulnerable moment. I felt bad why I've ever opened and given my heart to people. I wanted to forgive but it’s just hard!

I've tried everything. Remembered the good things. Recalled the fond memories. I imagined what would it be like when I meet the person again someday. Would I be able to smile and say “Hello! It’s so nice to see you”? I knew to forgive was the right thing to do. So I practiced—to smile, wave my hand and greet with my usual happy tone. But it was just hard! Because deep in my heart I was really hurt and I couldn’t pretend I'm okay. And I found myself rehearsing lines from a famous movie instead.

“Who are you? I'm sorry if I can't remember you...”

As crazy as it seems, I was so angry, unforgiving and hurt that I wanted to pretend I have amnesia the next time I meet the person who offended me. I just didn't know when and how I could forgive.

But God, He's so different, so forgiving! No matter how many times we've hurt Him in the past, He doesn't rehearse movie lines pretending He has forgotten us. Instead He forgives us. He pardons our sin and hurls our iniquities to the depths of the sea. He does not stay angry forever but shows us His compassion and unfailing love.

And when I look at His love for me and how much He has forgiven me, something in my heart begins to change. Suddenly, I want to be like Him and my grudges seem so small and childish. I ask myself how can I not forgive after God has forgiven everything inexcusable in me. Suddenly, I don`t want to be amnesia girl anymore.

When we allow God`s love and forgiveness to wipe away our sins and overflow in our hearts, everything begins to change. His love wipes the bitterness away. And when we see ourselves as God`s forgiven children, we begin to understand what it means when He asks us to extend the same grace and love He has showered us extravagantly with. We`ve been forgiven and He wants us to extend the blessing. And when we do, the bitterness melts away and what remains is love, freedom, peace and the strength to forgive another day.

Who is a God like you,

who pardons sin and forgives the transgression

of the remnant of his inheritance?

You do not stay angry forever

but delight to show mercy.

You will again have compassion on us;

you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities

into the depths of the sea.

 ~Micah 7:18-19

Photo Source:

1, 2 & 3

Hey! I`m back! It feels good to be around again and I sure missed you guys! I`m really excited to share what God has done for me the past week. I really didn`t think it was just 7 days because every single day, God did something new. On one day, I was heartbroken, the other day I am extremely happy and my faith is soaring.

I believe God is teaching a lot of important things and vital lessons these past few days. I admit I am still in the process of learning and God has been dealing with my unbelief, my doubts, my fears, and my pride—all which hinders enjoying a happy, loving and trusting relationship with Him.

Sometimes, I  really have to battle with pride and then with guilt and there were times, even with condemnation {yes, all in one week!} and it was not easy. But I am amazed at how Jesus constantly picks me up, brings people to encourage me, strengthens my faith and teaches me how to trust even when I don`t see what`s ahead or when I don`t understand His plans.

I still have a long way to go to become the lady I am destined to be--if you would ask me. But we all know God uses imperfect people. So that`s my answer to the enemy when he whispers me all these lies that I am unworthy.

I know I am loved—still—and will forever be.

I long for the day when all these fears in my heart would be gone because I trust Him completely how a child trusts His father. And I long for the day when I would be complete in His love and purging so that all these blemishes—my pride, unbelief and all—would be gone and all that`s left with me is trust.

I said I`ll be back when I`ve got the good news I was waiting for. I`ve got many, many good news and stories now… even while I`m waiting still for the results of what I had been praying and hoping for for so long.

Please do continue to pray for me.

So while we`re waiting for the miracle, let`s get on and share stories.

My heart is happy. It`s really… REALLY good to be back!

Photo credits. Yinniemouse on Tumblr.

There are times when I feel distant from the Lord. Not because He has left me, but because I try to hide and run away from Him. Not because I am rebelling, but because I`m afraid He couldn`t accept me after  all I`ve done. 

Wait. I guess, it`s not that I doubt He`s able to love someone like me, but because I`m honestly rejecting myself and I think I am not lovable enough, that I am not worthy enough  and I don`t deserve to be loved.

I have a draft dated back November 2010, which I didn`t get to publish. I don`t remember why. But I remembered it last night when my sister Ava and I were having a good talk at midnight {we couldn`t sleep `cause there were no electricity since there was some maintenance going on}.  And I happened to tell her about Bidam.

I always loved to share Bidam`s story. Ever watched the Korean Drama Queen Seon Deok? Well, if you haven`t, let me tell you about him.

Bidam was the super warrior kind of guy. He was Prime Minister but not so much like Prince Charming. He was somehow reckless, impulsive and  he does whatever comes to his mind. But if there`s one beautiful thing he was known for, it was that he loved Queen Seon Deok so passionately. He didn`t love her for her riches or anything else. He just loved her. And the Queen loved her back as well.

But Bidam had deep wounds in his heart which kept him from trusting her love. Perhaps because he had been hurt many times before. His mother left him when he was a baby so she would not lose power in a political position. Munno, the General who raised him, was always disappointed with him so Bidam tried to do everything just to gain his approval. He never knew what it means to be loved without conditions and always wanted to gain people`s approval and trust.

Near the end of the story, Bidam was set up by evil political leaders so Queen Seon Deok asked him to go move out of the palace for a while while she fixes the issues. But while on his way, Bidam was met by an officer  from the Queen`s palace who tried to kill him and said that it was at the command of the Queen.

Unknown to Bidam, it was only a plot set-up by a traitor friend who wanted him to revolt against the Queen so he (the friend) could gain power through Bidam. Sadly, Bidam, who had previous issues about trust, grabbed into the bait and revolted against the Queen.

In the end, Bidam learned about the plot and was so terribly devastated for what had happened. The guy who set him up told him that it was not anyone`s fault rather than his because until the very end, the queen trusted her so much. It was him who didn`t trust her. He always worried about losing her trust and in the end losing her love. But it was too late because the queen couldn`t save her anymore. He had chosen his destiny.

We are sometimes like Bidam.

God has been constantly loving us. But because we are afraid to trust we are depriving ourselves from the love that we are longing for.

God could offer His love constantly but unless allow ourselves to be loved, unless we allow ourselves to trust, and unless we give our life to the hands of the One who promises to give us life, we can never experience true, unconditional love.

Let God love you. Open your heart to Him. He promises to never to leave you. He wants to hold you in his arms. For you to be with him forever. He will keep you close forever. Yes, He promises to do that. And you know that none of His promises has failed.

It`s so sad to watch Queen Seon Deok end with Bidam dying. Everyone knows his worth. Everyone knows he`s deeply loved. If only He has learned to trust her love.

But we have the chance to hold in our hearts what Bidam have missed. Let`s open our eyes and believe. ;)

So when I feel bad or when I feel unloved, I only think of Bidam and I remind myself that God loves me with a stubborn love that won`t let go. I just have to trust His love and believe.

When He says He loves me, He really loves me.

It`s the only thing that`s real.

I almost forgot to close the faucet in the bathroom tonight. Yikes! I remember the last time I went straight to bed and forgot that I left the water was running in the bath… My Mom and Dad  woke up to find the bathroom floor flooded and a month later, to hold a bigger charge on the water bill.

So tonight, I panicked when I suddenly remembered that I left the faucet on and I ran as quickly as I can to get it.

Sometimes, it`s really annoying to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again—esp. when the mistakes you make are those that can easily be avoided. If only my memory works well with remembering these things! But for a reason I don`t know, I just always, always forget to turn off the faucet in the bath!

I was feeling so bad about myself and thought about giving up. I have no hope in this turning-off-the-faucet problem of mine… Until one day, I experienced Dad`s grace when I left the faucet on overnight.

I never really heard anything from him. Quite unusual. Very much impossible!  Wouldn`t your parents scream at you when they find your house close to being flooded (Ok. I`m exaggerating). But seriously, wouldn`t your parents get mad at you and nag you for a full week if you did what I`ve done?

That`s why today, I was very cautious on closing the faucet and succeeded—even though I almost did make it. And even tonight, he just asked me if I turned it off already and no tone in his voice that I still owe something after what I did the other time.

I couldn`t stand breaking my Dad`s heart after that much grace I received last week. I really wouldn`t want to hear him angry, but more than that, I have no face to show if I won`t even try this time. I don`t deserve his grace. He wouldn`t deserve it if I would abuse the grace He gave last time.

And now, I think my Dad has shown a character of God in what He did. He didn`t nag me or scolded me. He didn`t even condemn me or ask me to pay for the damages I made. He just gave me grace. And because I experienced the fullness of that grace, I was moved not break  his heart and his trust again.

Jesus is like that to us when we make mistakes sometimes, right?

It`s amazing that when we show grace to others, like how my Dad did for me, people see God`s grace in tangible ways and understand a facet of God`s grace as well.

Was there a time when you`ve experienced grace from other people like how I did today? Grace that was so good you can`t help but change and not remain to be the same person you used to be?

Photos via pokeccino and jessica harley on Tumblr

and mochacafe

My college algebra professor once told me that I don`t trust people easily. That time, I found his statement so hard to believe. I was convinced that I trust people far too easily, but then went on admitting that once that trust is broken, I find it very hard to trust again.

Hearts can get really fragile, don`t they? I felt like mine was made of thin glass—easily picked up but also easily broken. Vulnerability came easy for me when I was younger, until the thin glass started to break little by little.

Best friends who replaced me. Confidants who betrayed me. Leaders who rejected me. They were like thumbprints in the heart that wouldn`t go away. They haunt me whenever I am about to open my heart to somebody, threatening I would get hurt the same way it happened before.

Terrified, I`ve learned to shut the door in my heart. I still make friends

but I don`t let them in to the farthest, deepest rooms of my heart.

I`ve learned to keep people at “reasonable” distance. I was so afraid

to trust, afraid of being hurt, left alone and rejected. I really didn`t want to hand over my heart again to anyone anymore.

Until I learned that in all these, in times like these… I should forgive. Until I let forgiveness flow in my heart, I would never be able to freely love again. I would never learn to trust anybody. I would never open up myself  to be loved and be held close in the someone`s heart.

The pain and hurt of the past…they would go only if I would pardon those who have wronged me and resolve that they do not owe me anything anymore.

No matter how deep the pain… I can forgive. I will forgive. We can forgive. We must forgive.

The God who always held us close is Someone whom we have hurt so much the same way like those who have hurt and wounded us deeply. And yet, He chose to open His heart to us—still—no matter how utterly wrong and stubborn we`ve been. He has always and will always leave Himself vulnerable to love and love again…even after we fail and fail.

How can I not extend that same love and forgiveness to others?

I, even I, am he who blots out
your transgressions, for my own sake,
and remembers your sins no more.

                                      Isaiah 43:25

“…And I will be kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.” –Max Lucado

Finally, I got time to write tonight! Don`t you thank God for things that seem to little, things which you often take for granted, but means so much when you lose it?

Sometimes, we don`t appreciate many of the things we enjoy everyday—like taking the train, waking up late on weekends, night out with friends, and in my case, my time to write. They are the best things in life, actually—when you are able to live a normal life and you are able to delight in life`s little pleasures.

This week had been a great one for me. I`m back to the *normal life* I haven`t had for quite a while. I`m back to work, taking public transport, sitting next to different people along the way. And I just love watching people!  I love watching students, office people, everyone. Makes me realize that the whole world is big and there are endless people to show love to.

Oh, how sweet the light of day,
   And how wonderful to live in the sunshine!
   Even if you live a long time, don't take a single day for granted.
   Take delight in each light-filled hour… --Ecclesiastes 11:7-8

How about you? What seemingly unimportant and *little* things you love about life, but which you don`t get to notice most of the time?

Aaaw! I miss blogging so much! My hands had been full for more than a couple of weeks and as much as wanted to write and post, I sometimes feel too sleepy to even check and clean-up my mail.

But I really want to thank you, friends, for always dropping by.

Your kind comments had always encouraged me and I pray that everything will always go well for all of you.

I think I`ve been sleeping a lot lately, but still it`s not enough to compensate for my lack of “on-time” sleep. My bedtime has changed from evening to morning because of many tasks I should finish and I`m afraid my body clock has turned around. I think my body clock`s set on American time while I`m here, living in Asia.

Anyway, I really wanted to write down my Thank-You-List last Monday, but I got too tired after that awesome pastors conference in GCF…so I  had to put it off until now.

I really thank the Lord for many things. Jesus knows how much I`ve been afraid of letting go of my dreams and replacing it with His. I know it`s silly. How can I not trust Him?

The wrestling took such a long time and one Friday night, I just prayed and told Him to take over, that I want to be a part of the big picture He`s drawing, that I want to give my life for the cause and wouldn`t have my own agenda anymore.

Two days later, I`ve got so many things to do… Things I never thought I would be doing… Never even in my dreams! And I am so amazed of Jesus` heart. I`m just gonna trust Him.

So today, I thank Him for all the wonderful things—that are all heartwarming.

119.He`s been a really patient and loving Father even if I`m such a stubborn young lady.

120. For reminding me of my purpose, what I am created for…even if I always try to run away from what He has called me to do.

121. For patience, and love and grace that is underserved.

122. For sisters who rebuke me when I`m not listening to Him.

123. For friends and family and new acquaintances whom I love and who loves me.

124. For the strength to overcome weaknesses.

125. For overflowing organic greens and sweet treats!  I always prayed for them!

I`m back after a month of living the parsonage life.

I never thought I`d ever love living like this even for a while.  But God was very gracious…and he completely blew my mind away with His plans.

I thought I would get bored, but what happened was the opposite. My sisters, Ferdie (our guitarist) and the other young people who comes during weekdays had a great time talking just about anything.

|  We talked about it all, learned from each other and I believe we grew stronger in our relationship as a team and as a body of Christ because of that.

Now, I`m back and we`re unpacking… (I can`t believe we`ve brought too much stuff enough to fill the four-seater back of the van.) That means we`ve got plenty of stuff to sort and put back into their rightful places. In fact, I`m sitting in the couch now with two bags behind me and another two beside me. Bags are everywhere!

I hope you have a great dinner tonight, friends. Meanwhile, I have to go and see what we`ve got for dinner. I think Ava will cook the Arabian Dried Fish like the ones we had for breakfast this morning. I didn`t know there was such a thing but  I tell you, it was so good. Only that vinegar don`t get absorbed easily when you dip it in. You would have to prepare a lot of vinegar to get the sour taste.

Have a great night!

I don`t know how to begin writing down my thoughts. I planned to start this one sharing about my struggle to write the past couple of months. `Cause I don`t know what topics to write about. Not sure if I should be more personal and disclose more stories. But now, I`m just gonna tell you about a rather unlikely topic for a blog.

You see, we`ve got two dogs in the house. One is more than a year old, the other barely four months. The younger one, whom we call “Star” have a bad habit of doing her thing just about anywhere. Tonight, I was on my way to the bathroom…the lights on the hallway are off…and as freaky as it can get,  I stepped on her poop!

It was the craziest thing! You wouldn`t believe how frustrated I am now and I’m beginning to think that if only Star isn`t cute…

But the truth is…I really love Star. I wouldn`t trade her for another pup. You wouldn`t believe how she drops to the ground, getting ready to be pet in the tummy every time she sees me. How she dances when I come home is something that always make my heart leap. I love everything about her--except for her lack of toilet training.

One day, she pooped around the whole house and my parents were cleaning and mopping and disinfecting the whole afternoon.

But none of us ever loved her less. In fact, she was loved more. I don`t know why. But even if she always does that, there`s nothing she can do that will make us love for her go away.

We`re all crazy about her.

I just thought about God. He hates sin the way we are disgusted with our dog`s *you know*. But He loves us and doesn’t stop there. He wants to purify us and teach us to do right.

He’s also crazy about us. And His grace is immeasurable.  Even if we do wrong, He keeps on loving us and pursuing us.

So let’s come to him and not abuse the grace and love He gives. He deserves more than our love. He deserves our all.

Thank you, Lord for  these sweet  truths from our two little pups.