It’s not easy to forgive. Every girl who has been hurt knows that.

 

I remember a time I got hurt by a friend I had trusted so much. I didn't know it would hurt that bad when a friend leaves just like that, with no explanation at all. I wondered how a friend could just stop being your friend after everything. It was unbelievable--like a movie, only that it was happening in real life. And it's much more painful than I've ever imagined. I felt betrayed like arrows were speared at my heart when I was not looking, right at my most vulnerable moment. I felt bad why I've ever opened and given my heart to people. I wanted to forgive but it’s just hard!

 

I've tried everything. Remembered the good things. Recalled the fond memories. I imagined what would it be like when I meet the person again someday. Would I be able to smile and say “Hello! It’s so nice to see you”? I knew to forgive was the right thing to do. So I practiced—to smile, wave my hand and greet with my usual happy tone. But it was just hard! Because deep in my heart I was really hurt and I couldn’t pretend I'm okay. And I found myself rehearsing lines from a famous movie instead.

 

“Who are you? I'm sorry if I can't remember you...”

 

As crazy as it seems, I was so angry, unforgiving and hurt that I wanted to pretend I have amnesia the next time I meet the person who offended me. I just didn't know when and how I could forgive.

 

But God, He's so different, so forgiving! No matter how many times we've hurt Him in the past, He doesn't rehearse movie lines pretending He has forgotten us. Instead He forgives us. He pardons our sin and hurls our iniquities to the depths of the sea. He does not stay angry forever but shows us His compassion and unfailing love.

And when I look at His love for me and how much He has forgiven me, something in my heart begins to change. Suddenly, I want to be like Him and my grudges seem so small and childish. I ask myself how can I not forgive after God has forgiven everything inexcusable in me. Suddenly, I don`t want to be amnesia girl anymore.

 

When we allow God`s love and forgiveness to wipe away our sins and overflow in our hearts, everything begins to change. His love wipes the bitterness away. And when we see ourselves as God`s forgiven children, we begin to understand what it means when He asks us to extend the same grace and love He has showered us extravagantly with. We`ve been forgiven and He wants us to extend the blessing. And when we do, the bitterness melts away and what remains is love, freedom, peace and the strength to forgive another day.

 

Who is a God like you,

who pardons sin and forgives the transgression

of the remnant of his inheritance?

 

You do not stay angry forever

but delight to show mercy.

You will again have compassion on us;

you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities

into the depths of the sea.

 ~Micah 7:18-19

 

Photo Source:

1, 2 & 3

 

It’s been 7 weeks since I got a fracture on my foot!^^ I still have to wait for another 5 weeks for my follow-up check-up with my orthopedic doctor to see how my bone is healing, but things have been pretty nice and sweet. I feel so blessed that I’ve been showered with love and care. My family and friends are so awesome! They love pushing my wheelchair for me, and helping me move around. I feel sooo very loved!

But the past week, I was starting to feel a little bored and a little annoyed with the cast I’m wearing. I really hope to feel better soon. :D Many times I wonder what’s God purpose~why I had been injured and why I had to stop and take a break for a while.

A week after I got injured, my friend Raymond came to visit me and we were talking about these “little afflictions” we have. He’s been sick with allergies and I, with this fracture of mine. We both agreed that maybe God is teaching us how to empathize with those who are sick, with people who are going through the same things we go through. And truthfully, the experience is hard.  

I’m smiling and happy all the time but I know that is the work of the Lord in my heart. ^^‘Cause in reality, I’m a bit having a hard time. It’s hard to have a fracture in the foot and not be able to walk normally. To not be able to do simple things you need to do-like going to the washroom or getting a plate from the kitchen—without assistance. It’s hard when you want to watch your sisters perform and the venue is not wheelchair-friendly so you have to hop on one foot and you fall on the floor. And it helps to hear words of encouragement and love from people around you, even from friends who come over to visit.

And so this post is inspired by the little pain I have in my heart. LOL Kidding! Today, I’m gonna share with you things we should never tell a sick friend or family member. ^^ I hope this will remind us to care, be sensitive, empathize and put ourselves in other people’s situation if ever we encounter a sick person in the future.

 

I was reading Bonnie’s blog today and I realized many things. The truth  is, all these months I’ve been away, all these months the blog has been empty and quiet, I was thinking of you, my friends~and it felt so painful in the heart every time I think that I am not able to write and come back for a long time.

Not because I don’t have time, because I do.
But because I was afraid to.

I was really afraid to.

There were many times I tried. Sitting in my computer for hours. Starting drafts and never being able to finish. Because I knew I had to tell you the truth before I can ever write again. I’ve always kept this in my heart. The brokeness and all the pain I went through last year, afraid that it we be so raw and I’d be so vulnerable because the pain was so deep. The wounds in my heart were so deep that I had to go into hiding, even from the blog where I can fully share my heart and deepest thoughts.

Betrayed and Forgotten

There were many times I cried and stayed up all night. Many times I felt I shouldn’t have loved and gave my heart to people. For a while, I was asking myself “Why?” Why did I ever loved, cared, invested, dreamed, hoped for… I was so heartbroken and hurt; so betrayed and let down. And I wanted to, but didn’t know how to make my heart vulnerable again.

I was so afraid to tell the truth and let people see my brokeness.

Everyday I felt imprisoned with fear whenever I think about writing and how I’m running away. I didn’t realize that as I run from the blog, I am also running from myself~from being truthful with my hurt and accepting that I’ve been wounded, betrayed and let down.

Let Me See 

I’ve always carried myself so strong. Like no matter how troubled the times were, I tried to be cool and tell myself that it doesn’t get to me. I’ve always tried to encourage myself. Cheer up my spirit. But these time, it just wouldn’t work. I have to come out as fearful and broken as I am…into God’s heart, and let Him see. Let Him heal. Let Him love me.

And after being honest with Him, I knew I also have to be honest with you, sharing my story…

Not An Easy Road

It had not been an easy road. I’ve never felt so betrayed in my lifetime. I’ve experienced so many things years before but that season was the most heart-wrenching.


But I have to tell you. I really have to tell you that this time had also been the most joyful, fruitful and exciting season of all. Not because I’m cheering myself up. I’m not just trying to see the good things. But it was really that: the most joyful, fruitful and exciting season of all. Because God gave beautiful things after the heavy storm. Undeserved. Unexpected. Twice than I’ve imagined. No, I didn’t  even imagined it! He just blessed! So much that I’ve ever expected!

And so I’m writing to you today, after much tears…telling a testimony of His grace. That because of Jesus I am able to forgive and let go and take my turn in giving chances and forgiveness. And to live my life better than ever because He taught me to forgive and because He is restoring things, not as they were before, but into an even more beautiful masterpiece. And it feels really, really good in the heart!

And it felt as good as ever to be like this, real and honest with you. You guys had been so kind and gracious to me, encouraging me with your messages here and even on Facebook and Twitter while I’d been away. I was touched and felt so loved! Thank you so much! Thank you for being there and accepting me unconditionally.

And to Bonnie: Thank you, my dear sister! Your honesty and vulnerability have always encouraged me to be vulnerable and truthful and to come to Jesus just as I am. I need not to pretend to be anybody. Because He loves me. Exactly just as me.

“One forgives to the degree that one loves.”

I read this quote online tonight and I love it so much.

 

Here on the blog, I wrote many times about being the one asking for forgiveness, but tables do turn, right? Time comes when it’s our turn to forgive and forget and show mercy. { I sound like a judge… lol}

 

 

Seriously, I was wondering which is harder: to ask for forgiveness or to be the offended person who needs to forgive. While it’s really hard and painful to realize you’ve hurt someone you love, I think nothing beats the pain of being the one who’s truly hurt by a person you love dearly. {They’re both painful, but being the one who gets hurt is sometimes the harder position to be in--heavier in the heart and forgiving isn’t always as easy as it sounds, isn’t it?}

 

But then I think of Jesus. I think of God.  I wonder how could He forgive that easy. We hurt Him. We break His heart. Many, many times. We refuse listen to Him and we disobey His commands. And yet He still takes us back. He still forgives. Like the father who patiently waits for his prodigal son to come home. Like the loving father who quickly runs at the sight of his repentant son from afar.

 

I know only one reason behind that quickness to pardon and forgive.

Sometimes, we make mistakes with the words that come out of our mouth, and even with the words that flow out of our pen. And one of the greatest tragedies is when we choose the wrong words so what comes out is actually different from what our heart really says. And we hurt somebody.

James said the tongue is like fire that can burn down an entire forest. (James 3) The tongue is a small part of the body but can bring huge disaster ( can break a lot of hearts...). And so we always have to choose the right words... the perfect words before we speak or write it down.

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Proverbs 16:24


Have you hurt someone with your words lately? You made the wrong choice of words and got misunderstood for something you really didn't mean? To your parent? Friend? Loved one? And it breaks your heart that you've broken that person's heart?


Then say "Sorry". Ask for forgiveness. From the person you have hurt and from God. And ask Jesus to help you not to hurt that person again...esp. when you really don't mean it because you love em.

I think I'll post a sticky note today for somebody... to say I'm sorry. *sigh* I told Jesus I make the silliest mistakes a lot of times...

And I could really make that person tree of sticky notes because my regrets are as many as sack of leaves--a big sack of leaves, that is. ( I think I look like the discouraged Honey O. right now... with drooping head and all. *wink*)


If you would happen to read this... tonight, next week or a couple of years after...


I'm so sorry.


That`s not what I meant.


Will you forgive me?

My college algebra professor once told me that I don`t trust people easily. That time, I found his statement so hard to believe. I was convinced that I trust people far too easily, but then went on admitting that once that trust is broken, I find it very hard to trust again.

 

Hearts can get really fragile, don`t they? I felt like mine was made of thin glass—easily picked up but also easily broken. Vulnerability came easy for me when I was younger, until the thin glass started to break little by little.

 

Best friends who replaced me. Confidants who betrayed me. Leaders who rejected me. They were like thumbprints in the heart that wouldn`t go away. They haunt me whenever I am about to open my heart to somebody, threatening I would get hurt the same way it happened before.

 

Terrified, I`ve learned to shut the door in my heart. I still make friends

but I don`t let them in to the farthest, deepest rooms of my heart.

I`ve learned to keep people at “reasonable” distance. I was so afraid

to trust, afraid of being hurt, left alone and rejected. I really didn`t want to hand over my heart again to anyone anymore.

 

 

Until I learned that in all these, in times like these… I should forgive. Until I let forgiveness flow in my heart, I would never be able to freely love again. I would never learn to trust anybody. I would never open up myself  to be loved and be held close in the someone`s heart.

 

The pain and hurt of the past…they would go only if I would pardon those who have wronged me and resolve that they do not owe me anything anymore.

 

No matter how deep the pain… I can forgive. I will forgive. We can forgive. We must forgive.

 

The God who always held us close is Someone whom we have hurt so much the same way like those who have hurt and wounded us deeply. And yet, He chose to open His heart to us—still—no matter how utterly wrong and stubborn we`ve been. He has always and will always leave Himself vulnerable to love and love again…even after we fail and fail.

 

How can I not extend that same love and forgiveness to others?

 

I, even I, am he who blots out
your transgressions, for my own sake,
and remembers your sins no more.

                                      Isaiah 43:25

 

“…And I will be kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.” –Max Lucado

 

Aaaw! I miss blogging so much! My hands had been full for more than a couple of weeks and as much as wanted to write and post, I sometimes feel too sleepy to even check and clean-up my mail.

But I really want to thank you, friends, for always dropping by.

Your kind comments had always encouraged me and I pray that everything will always go well for all of you.

 

I think I`ve been sleeping a lot lately, but still it`s not enough to compensate for my lack of “on-time” sleep. My bedtime has changed from evening to morning because of many tasks I should finish and I`m afraid my body clock has turned around. I think my body clock`s set on American time while I`m here, living in Asia.

 

Anyway, I really wanted to write down my Thank-You-List last Monday, but I got too tired after that awesome pastors conference in GCF…so I  had to put it off until now.

I really thank the Lord for many things. Jesus knows how much I`ve been afraid of letting go of my dreams and replacing it with His. I know it`s silly. How can I not trust Him?

 

The wrestling took such a long time and one Friday night, I just prayed and told Him to take over, that I want to be a part of the big picture He`s drawing, that I want to give my life for the cause and wouldn`t have my own agenda anymore.

 

Two days later, I`ve got so many things to do… Things I never thought I would be doing… Never even in my dreams! And I am so amazed of Jesus` heart. I`m just gonna trust Him.

 

So today, I thank Him for all the wonderful things—that are all heartwarming.

119.He`s been a really patient and loving Father even if I`m such a stubborn young lady.

120. For reminding me of my purpose, what I am created for…even if I always try to run away from what He has called me to do.

121. For patience, and love and grace that is underserved.

122. For sisters who rebuke me when I`m not listening to Him.

123. For friends and family and new acquaintances whom I love and who loves me.

124. For the strength to overcome weaknesses.

125. For overflowing organic greens and sweet treats!  I always prayed for them!