Why I’ve Been Away

4:05 AM

tumblr_mbfr8mjN2w1r292xjo1_500_largeI was reading Bonnie’s blog today and I realized many things. The truth  is, all these months I’ve been away, all these months the blog has been empty and quiet, I was thinking of you, my friends~and it felt so painful in the heart every time I think that I am not able to write and come back for a long time.

Not because I don’t have time, because I do.
But because I was afraid to.

I was really afraid to.

There were many times I tried. Sitting in my computer for hours. Starting drafts and never being able to finish. Because I knew I had to tell you the truth before I can ever write again. I’ve always kept this in my heart. The brokeness and all the pain I went through last year, afraid that it we be so raw and I’d be so vulnerable because the pain was so deep. The wounds in my heart were so deep that I had to go into hiding, even from the blog where I can fully share my heart and deepest thoughts.

Betrayed and Forgotten

There were many times I cried and stayed up all night. Many times I felt I shouldn’t have loved and gave my heart to people. For a while, I was asking myself “Why?” Why did I ever loved, cared, invested, dreamed, hoped for… I was so heartbroken and hurt; so betrayed and let down. And I wanted to, but didn’t know how to make my heart vulnerable again.

I was so afraid to tell the truth and let people see my brokeness.

Everyday I felt imprisoned with fear whenever I think about writing and how I’m running away. I didn’t realize that as I run from the blog, I am also running from myself~from being truthful with my hurt and accepting that I’ve been wounded, betrayed and let down.

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Let Me See 

I’ve always carried myself so strong. Like no matter how troubled the times were, I tried to be cool and tell myself that it doesn’t get to me. I’ve always tried to encourage myself. Cheer up my spirit. But these time, it just wouldn’t work. I have to come out as fearful and broken as I am…into God’s heart, and let Him see. Let Him heal. Let Him love me.

And after being honest with Him, I knew I also have to be honest with you, sharing my story…

Not An Easy Road

It had not been an easy road. I’ve never felt so betrayed in my lifetime. I’ve experienced so many things years before but that season was the most heart-wrenching.

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But I have to tell you. I really have to tell you that this time had also been the most joyful, fruitful and exciting season of all. Not because I’m cheering myself up. I’m not just trying to see the good things. But it was really that: the most joyful, fruitful and exciting season of all. Because God gave beautiful things after the heavy storm. Undeserved. Unexpected. Twice than I’ve imagined. No, I didn’t  even imagined it! He just blessed! So much that I’ve ever expected!

And so I’m writing to you today, after much tears…telling a testimony of His grace. That because of Jesus I am able to forgive and let go and take my turn in giving chances and forgiveness. And to live my life better than ever because He taught me to forgive and because He is restoring things, not as they were before, but into an even more beautiful masterpiece. And it feels really, really good in the heart!

And it felt as good as ever to be like this, real and honest with you. You guys had been so kind and gracious to me, encouraging me with your messages here and even on Facebook and Twitter while I’d been away. I was touched and felt so loved! Thank you so much! Thank you for being there and accepting me unconditionally.

And to Bonnie: Thank you, my dear sister! Your honesty and vulnerability have always encouraged me to be vulnerable and truthful and to come to Jesus just as I am. I need not to pretend to be anybody. Because He loves me. Exactly just as me.

“I will not leave you as orphans;
I will come to you.”
John 14:8

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1 comments

  1. You just tell it like it is. Missed you. And remember He does not expect you to pretend or hide. Just be who you are , authentic and real in the moment. It is the only way to live your life, dear sister! He uses all things, even the yucky ones...especially those- for our growth and good and His glory and purpose. Shine on. In His Grace, Dawn

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