Whenever
I find it hard to write, I always visit one blog. That blog with words that
makes me remember me, that reminds me of me. The words I cannot say, the words
I want to say…
Tonight
is that kind of night when I don’t know what to say, when my heart cannot speak
but only feels and needs someone to say the words for me. And I went back to
read Adam’s blog. And found this.
When did the sky turn black?
When will the light come back?
This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard
But I’m gonna survive
Oh, oh these are beautiful times
These
days I feel like I’m not who I should be. I feel very different from “me”. So many things have happened this year and I
feel like I’m being transformed into a different person. My recent illness, bigger
responsibilities, life-changing decisions I have to make… They’re so hard it makes my head ache. J And
I don’t know how or if I’d pass the test. And the season is painful. No pruning is ever easy, I guess. And this is the most painful pruning
I’ve ever been yet. The challenges are way beyond what I thought I could
endure. The test of character is way beyond what I thought I could ever handle.
And I don’t know if I’d be better or the other way around.
Getting To Know Hope Again
But then
I know there is hope. I know it now, not in a fancy kind of way, but in it’s
pure form—raw and unadorned, when it’s the most impossible yet the only thing
you can hold on to. Just like when the disciples' ship was storm-tossed in the
dark of night. Like the third time Peter denied Jesus and probably forgot what
forgiveness felt like. Like the time Jesus died on the cross and his followers
didn’t know who to run to or what the future holds. I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t
know even know if I’m making the right decisions for today. I don’t know how to
get through, but I know there is hope.
And I don’t have to ever be afraid of anything. Because of Him and His promise to save, the struggle is still a beautiful thing.
I Hope In Him
I hope in the Lord because He is Hope. Even when the skies are not clear. Even when the darkness of the night stays longer than it should. Even when I can’t see Him or I don’t know how or if He will come through for me. I trust Him because of who He is. The God who saved me before, will save me now. And He will not change.And I don’t have to ever be afraid of anything. Because of Him and His promise to save, the struggle is still a beautiful thing.
Many are saying of me, “God
will not deliver him.”
But you, Lord, are a shield around
me, my glory,
the One who lifts my head high.
the One who lifts my head high.
I call out to the Lord, and he
answers me
from his holy mountain.
from his holy mountain.
I lie down and sleep; I wake again,
because the Lord sustains me.
because the Lord sustains me.
I will not fear though tens of thousands
assail me on every side.
assail me on every side.
Psalms 3:2-6
