I was reading Bonnie’s blog today and I realized many things. The truth  is, all these months I’ve been away, all these months the blog has been empty and quiet, I was thinking of you, my friends~and it felt so painful in the heart every time I think that I am not able to write and come back for a long time.

Not because I don’t have time, because I do.
But because I was afraid to.

I was really afraid to.

There were many times I tried. Sitting in my computer for hours. Starting drafts and never being able to finish. Because I knew I had to tell you the truth before I can ever write again. I’ve always kept this in my heart. The brokeness and all the pain I went through last year, afraid that it we be so raw and I’d be so vulnerable because the pain was so deep. The wounds in my heart were so deep that I had to go into hiding, even from the blog where I can fully share my heart and deepest thoughts.

Betrayed and Forgotten

There were many times I cried and stayed up all night. Many times I felt I shouldn’t have loved and gave my heart to people. For a while, I was asking myself “Why?” Why did I ever loved, cared, invested, dreamed, hoped for… I was so heartbroken and hurt; so betrayed and let down. And I wanted to, but didn’t know how to make my heart vulnerable again.

I was so afraid to tell the truth and let people see my brokeness.

Everyday I felt imprisoned with fear whenever I think about writing and how I’m running away. I didn’t realize that as I run from the blog, I am also running from myself~from being truthful with my hurt and accepting that I’ve been wounded, betrayed and let down.

Let Me See 

I’ve always carried myself so strong. Like no matter how troubled the times were, I tried to be cool and tell myself that it doesn’t get to me. I’ve always tried to encourage myself. Cheer up my spirit. But these time, it just wouldn’t work. I have to come out as fearful and broken as I am…into God’s heart, and let Him see. Let Him heal. Let Him love me.

And after being honest with Him, I knew I also have to be honest with you, sharing my story…

Not An Easy Road

It had not been an easy road. I’ve never felt so betrayed in my lifetime. I’ve experienced so many things years before but that season was the most heart-wrenching.


But I have to tell you. I really have to tell you that this time had also been the most joyful, fruitful and exciting season of all. Not because I’m cheering myself up. I’m not just trying to see the good things. But it was really that: the most joyful, fruitful and exciting season of all. Because God gave beautiful things after the heavy storm. Undeserved. Unexpected. Twice than I’ve imagined. No, I didn’t  even imagined it! He just blessed! So much that I’ve ever expected!

And so I’m writing to you today, after much tears…telling a testimony of His grace. That because of Jesus I am able to forgive and let go and take my turn in giving chances and forgiveness. And to live my life better than ever because He taught me to forgive and because He is restoring things, not as they were before, but into an even more beautiful masterpiece. And it feels really, really good in the heart!

And it felt as good as ever to be like this, real and honest with you. You guys had been so kind and gracious to me, encouraging me with your messages here and even on Facebook and Twitter while I’d been away. I was touched and felt so loved! Thank you so much! Thank you for being there and accepting me unconditionally.

And to Bonnie: Thank you, my dear sister! Your honesty and vulnerability have always encouraged me to be vulnerable and truthful and to come to Jesus just as I am. I need not to pretend to be anybody. Because He loves me. Exactly just as me.

 

I can’t believe it’s October! Time flies really fast! I’ve been away for a really, really long time. I really miss you guys and writing on the blog. 
I should update and we guys need to do a lot of catching up, right?

I'm really so sorry for not putting much time to blog. So many beautiful things have happened, so many beautiful lessons I’ve learned which I’ve failed to share with you. I hope we can still go through all them all together—the stories, the miracles, the blessings, and even the victories when times were challenging. And I hope to hear from you guys as well. I haven’t heard from many of you, my bloggy friends! How have you been doing? ^^

Anyway, today… I’ve been at home for over a month now. Got a fracture on my right foot after I slipped on slippery floor. And I’ll be wearing my cast until the 3rd week of November! I’ve worn it for 5 weeks already. The next seven weeks will be quick and better than ever!

I have so much stories to tell you about, but let’s begin with my birthday last month, 3 days before I figured the accident.

 

“Because God prepares

beautiful things

to comfort and  bring us joy

 long before we realize

that we need them.”

 

September 2, 2012

The last time a wrote a lengthy post ( I know it’s been a while! ), we talked about our house being open for missionaries and guests from abroad. And it’s been so fun the whole year! Pastors and their families coming over is something my family is always looking forward to. Being a  Pastor's kid gives you this kind of privilege to cherish. ;)



But of course, good things also come with a special kind of challenge. And I believe these challenges are specially custom-made for each of us. I, particularly, know that God wants me to change something in my attitude. I know he wants to kill every hint of *princess complex* in me.


Like today, the guest  that we’re housing in my room for two months now needs to extend for another 6 months (people usually stay for a week at most). I would be lying if I would tell you "Ah, that's nothing". Because secretly, I wanted to cry (Crybaby over such little thing, eh? LOL) For two months, all of my things are in the hallway, and sometimes I sleep in the sofa. And it gets really hard at times. Sacrifice is really hard. 

But sacrifice is not sacrifice if it wouldn’t require you to give a part that would hurt you if you do. And I guess this is something Jesus wants me to learn. I’ve never been good in this. I sacrifice for ministry or work, sometimes extravagantly, but there are I things I save for myself, things I have put boundaries around and call my own. And I’m having a hard time giving them up~like that room. And to love, I know I must learn not to have a "hold" on these things and be willing to give them up if necessary.



In heaven I know the Lord prepares good rooms. I may lose my room here in on earth but I know in heaven I will have a good place to stay in. So I choose to look at things eternal. ^^


Sometimes I feel ashamed that I also feel this “hurt” when it’s only just a room. Some people even give their own lives. But we all learn in a different pace do we? ;) 

Before, Jesus taught me to give apples from my tree. Now, He’s teaching me to give my branches. And sometimes even though that hurts, I know that when the test is done, I will come out with a better attitude and polished heart.

And I’ll finally learn what sacrifice is all about.

How many giving trees have there been in my life? How many released part of themselves so I might grow, so I might accomplish my goals, find wholeness and satisfaction and reach beyond the tiny, limited playground of my childhood? So, so many…

Now I, like the tree, have grown up. Now it`s my turn to give and some of that hurts. Apples, branches, sometimes the trunk.

– Growing Strong In The Seasons of Life

Anyway, when Jesus was born, he didn't have a room, did he? :D